Shadow Kiss Chapter 5

FiveMOST DISCIPLINARY ISSUES AT the Academy went to Headmistress Kirova. She oversaw Moroi and dhampirs equal and was known for her creative and oft-used repertoire of punishments. She wasnt cruel, exactly, provided she wasnt soft, either. She simply took student behavior seriously and dealt with it as she saw fit.thither were most issues, however, that were beyond her jurisdiction.The schools guardians calling unneurotic a disciplinary committee wasnt unheard of, only it was very, very r ar. You had to do close tothing pretty serious to piss them off to get that sort of response. Like, say, willfully endangering a Moroi. Or hypothetically willfully endangering a Moroi.For the last clipping, I growled, I didnt do it on purpose.I sat in one of the guardians meeting rooms, veneering my committee Alberta, Emil, and one of the other rare female guardians on campus, Celeste. They sat at a long table, run intoing imposing, while I sat in a single conduct and felt very vulnerable . Several other guardians were sitting in and watching, but thankfully, none of my classmates were there to see this humiliation. Dimitri was among the watchers. He was non on the committee, and I wondered if theyd kept him off because of his potentially biased role as my mentor.Miss Hathaway, verbalize Alberta, fully in her strict-captain mode, you must know wherefore we switch a hard time believing that.Celeste nodded. Guardian alto saw you. You refused to protect two Moroi including the one whose protection you were specifically assigned to.I didnt refuse I exclaimed. I fumbled.That wasnt a fumble, say Stan from the watchers. He glanced at Alberta for permission to speak. May I? She nodded, and he turned main(prenominal)stay to me. If youd blocked or attacked me and and then foul uped up, that would be a fumble. But you didnt block. You didnt attack. You didnt even try. You fitting stood there like a statue and did nothing.Understandably, I was outraged. The belief t hat I would purposely leave Christian and Brandon to be killed by a Strigoi was ridiculous. But what could I do? I either confessed to screwing up majorly or to having seen a ghost. Neither option was appealing, but I had to cut my losses. One made me look incompetent. The other made me look insane. I didnt want to be associated with either of those. I much favored my usual description of reckless and disruptive.Why am I getting in trouble for messing up? I asked tightly. I mean, I saw Ryan mess up earlier. He didnt get in trouble. Isnt that the point of this whole exercise? Practice? If we were perfect, youd already have unleashed us upon the worldWerent you listening? said Stan. I swore I could see a vein throbbing in his forehead. I think he was the only one there as upset as I was. At the very least, he was the only one (aside from me) showing his emotions. The others wore poker faces, but then, none of them had witnessed what had happened. If Id been in Stans place, I might ha ve thought the worst of me too. You didnt mess up, because messing up implies that you have to actually do something.Okay, then. I froze. I looked at him defiantly. Does that count as messing up? I cracked under the printing press and blanked out. It turns out I wasnt prepared. The moment came, and I panicked. It happens to novices all the time.To a novice who has already killed Strigoi? asked Emil. He was from Romania, his accent a bit thicker than Dimitris Russian one. It wasnt nearly as nice, though. It seems unlikely.I dealt out glares to him and everyone else in the room. Oh, I see. After one incident, Im now expected to be an expert Strigoi killer? I cant panic or be afraid or anything? Makes sense. Thanks, guys. Fair. Real fair. I slumped back in my seat, arms crossed over my chest. There was no need to fake bitchy defiance. I had plenty of it to dish out.Alberta sighed and leaned forward. Were arguing semantics. Technicalities arent the point here. Whats important is that t his morning, you made it very clear you did not want to guard Christian Ozera. In fact I think you even said you wanted us to be sure we knew that you were doing it once against your will and that wed soon see what a horrible idea it was. Ugh. I had said that. Honestly, what had I been thinking? And then, when your first test comes around, we find you completely and utterly unresponsive.I nearly flew out of my chair. Thats what this is nearly? You think I didnt protect him because of some kind of weird revenge thing?All three of them stared at me expectantly.You arent exactly known for calmly and gracefully accepting things you dont like, she replied wryly.This time, I did stand up, pointing my palpate at her accusingly. Not true. I have followed every rule Kirova laid set ashore for me since coming back here. Ive gone to every practice and obeyed every curfew. Well, Id fudged some of the curfews but not willfully. It had always been for the greater good. Theres no reason Id do this as some kind of revenge What good would it do? Sta Guardian Alto wasnt release to really hurt Christian, so its not like Id get to see him punched or anything. The only thing I would accomplish is getting dragged into the spirit of something like this and possibly facing removal from the field experience.You are facing removal from the field experience, replied Celeste flatly.Oh. I sat down, suddenly not feeling as bold. Silence hung in the room for several moments, and then I heard Dimitris phonation speak from behind me.She has a point, he said. My heart thumped loudly in my chest. Dimitri knew I wouldnt take revenge like that. He didnt think I was petty. If she were discharge to protest or take revenge, shed do it in a dissimilar way. Well, not too petty, at least.Celeste frowned. Yes, but after the scene she made this morningDimitri took a few steps forward and stood beside my chair. Having his solid presence close comforted me. I had a flash of d?j? vu, back to wh en Lissa and I had returned to the Academy last autumn. Headmistress Kirova had nearly expelled me, and Dimitri had stood up for me then too.This is all circumstantial, he said. Regardless of how suspicious you think it looks, theres no proof. Removing her from the experience and essentially ruining her graduation is a bit extreme without any certainties.The committee looked thoughtful, and I rivet my attention on Alberta. She had the most power here. Id always liked her, and in our time together, shed been strict but always scrupulously fair. I hoped that would still corroborate true. She beckoned Celeste and Emil toward her, and the other two guardians leaned closer. They had a whispered conference. Alberta gave a resigned nod, and the others leaned back.Miss Hathaway, do you have anything youd like to say before we tell you our conclusions?That Id like to say? Hell, yeah. There were tons of things. I wanted to say that I wasnt incompetent. I wanted to tell them that I was one of the best novices here. I wanted to tell them that I had seen Stan coming and had been on the verge of reacting. I especially wanted to tell them that I didnt want to have this mark on my record. Even if I stayed in the field experience, Id essentially have an F for this first test. It would affect my overall grade, which could subsequently affect my future.But again, what choice did I have? Tell them that Id seen a ghost? The ghost of a guy whod had a major crush on me and who had quite likely died because of that crush? I still didnt know what was going on with these sightings. One time I could write off to exhaustionbut Id seen him or it twice now. Was he real? My higher reasoning said no, but honestly, it didnt matter at the moment. If he was real and I told them, theyd think I was crazy. If he wasnt real and I told them, theyd think I was crazy and theyd be right. I couldnt win here.No, Guardian Petrov, I said, hoping I sounded meek. Nothing more to add.All right, she sai d wearily. Heres what weve decided. Youre lucky you have Guardian Belikov to advocate for you, or this finish might have been different. Were giving you the benefit of the doubt. Youll go on with the field experience and continue to guard Mr. Ozera. Youll in effect(p) be on a probation of sorts.Thats okay, I said. Id been on probation for most of my academic life. Thank you.And, she added. Uh-oh. Because the suspicion isnt entirely removed, youll be spending your mean solar day off this week doing community service.I jumped out of my chair again. What?Dimitris put across wrapped around my wrist, his fingers warm and controlling. Sit down, he murmured in my ear, tugging me toward the chair. Take what you can get.If thats a problem, we can make it next week too, warned Celeste. And the next five after that.I sat down and shook my head. Im sorry. Thank you.The hearing dispersed, and I was left feeling weary and beaten. Had only one day gone by? Surely the happy excitement Id felt before the field experience had been weeks ago and not this morning. Alberta told me to go find Christian, but Dimitri asked if he could have some time alone with me. She agreed, no doubt hoping hed set me on the straight and narrow.The room emptied, and I thought hed sit and talk to me then and there, but instead he walked over to a small table that held a piss dispenser, coffee, and other beverages.You want some hot chocolate? he asked.I hadnt expected that. Sure. He dumped four packets of instant hot chocolate into two Styrofoam cups and then added in hot water.Doubling it is the secret, he said when the cups were full.He handed me mine, along with a wooden stirrer, and then walked toward a side door. Presuming I was supposed to follow him, I scurried to catch up without spilling my hot chocolate.Where are we oh.I stepped through the doorway and found myself in a little glass-enclosed porch filled with small patio tables. Id had no idea this porch was adjacent to the meeting ro om, but then, this was the building the guardians conducted all campus business out of. Novices were rarely allowed. I also hadnt realized the building was built around a small courtyard, which was what this porch looked out to. In the summer, I imagined one could open the windows and be surrounded in greenery and warm air. Now, encased in glass and frost, I felt like I was in some kind of an ice palace.Dimitri swept his hand over a chair, brushing off dust. I did the like and sat down antonym him. Apparently this room didnt see a lot of use in the winter. Because it was enclosed, the room was warmer than outdoors, but it wasnt heated otherwise. The air felt chilly, and I warm up my hands on my cup. Silence fell between Dimitri and me. The only noise came from me blowing on my hot chocolate. He drank his right away. Hed been killing Strigoi for years. What was a little scalding water here and there?As we sat, and the quiet grew, I studied him over the edge of my cup. He wasnt loo king at me, but I knew he knew I was watching. Like every other time I looked at him, I was always struck by his looks first. The soft dark hair that he oftentimes tucked behind his ears without realizing it, hair that never quite wanted to stay in its tie at the back of his neck. His eyes were brown too, somehow promiscuous and fierce at the same time. His lips had that same contradictory quality, I realized. When he was fighting or dealing with something grim, those lips would flatten and turn hard. But in twinkle times when he laughed or kissedwell, then theyd become soft and wonderful.Today, more than his exterior hit me. I felt warm and safe full creation with him. He brought comfort after my terrible day. So often with other people, I felt a need to be the center of attention, to be preposterous and always have something clever to say. It was a habit I needed to shake to be a guardian, seeing as that job required so much silence. But with Dimitri, I never felt like I ha d to be anything more than what I already was. I didnt have to entertain him or think up jokes or even flirt. It was enough to adept be together, to be so completely comfortable in each others presence smoulder sexual tension aside that we lost all sense of self-consciousness. I exhaled and drank my cocoa.What happened out there? he asked at last, meeting my gaze. You didnt crack under the pressure.His voice was curious, not accusatory. He wasnt treating me as a student right now, I realized. He was regarding me as an equal. He simply wanted to know what was going on with me. There was no discipline or lecturing here.And that just made it all the worse when I had to lie to him.Of course it was, I told him, looking down into my cup. Unless you desire I really did let Stan attack Christian.No, he said. I dont believe that. I never did. I knew youd be unhappy when you found out around the assignments, but I never once doubted that youd do what youd have to for this. I knew you wo uldnt let your personal feelings get in the way of your duty.I looked up again and met his eyes, so full of faith and absolute confidence in me. I didnt. I was madStill am a little. But once I said Id do it, I meant it. And after spending some time with himwell, I dont hate him. I actually think hes good for Lissa, and he cares about her, so I cant get upset about that. He and I just clash sometimes, thats all but we did really well together against the Strigoi. I remembered that while I was with him today, and arguing against this assignment just seemed stupid. So I decided to do the best job I could. I hadnt meant to talk so much, but it felt good to let out what was inside of me, and the look on Dimitris face would have gotten me to say anything. Almost anything.What happened then? he asked. With Stan? I averted my eyes and played with my cup again. I hated keeping things from him, but I couldnt tell him about this. In the human world, vampires and dhampirs were creatures of myth and legend bedtime stories to frighten away children. Humans didnt know we were real and walking the earth. But just because we were real didnt mean that every other story-time paranormal creature was. We knew that and had our own myths and bedtime stories about things we didnt believe in. Werewolves. Bogeymen. Ghosts.Ghosts played no real role in our culture, short of being fodder for pranks and campfire tales. Ghosts inevitably came up on Halloween, and some legends endured over the years. But in real life? No ghosts. If you came back after death, it was because you were a Strigoi.At least, thats what Id always been taught. I honestly didnt know enough now to say what was going on. Me imagining Mason seemed more likely than him being a true ghost, but man, that meant I might seriously be heading into crazy territory. All this time Id worried about Lissa losing it. Who had known it might be me?Dimitri was still watching me, waiting for an answer.I dont know what happened out the re. My intentions were good I just I just messed up.Rose. Youre a terrible liar.I glanced up. No, Im not. Ive told a lot of good lies in my life. People have believed them.He smiled slightly. Im sure. But it doesnt work with me. For one thing, you wont look me in the eye. As for the other I dont know. I can just tell.Damn. He could tell. He just knew me that well. I stood up and moved to the door, keeping my back to him. Normally, I treasured every minute with him, but I couldnt stick around today. I hated lying, but I didnt want to tell the right either. I had to leave.Look, I appreciate you being worried about mebut really, its okay. I just messed up. Im embarrassed about it and sorry I put your frightful training to shame but Ill rebound. Next time, Stans ass is mine.I hadnt even heard him get up, but suddenly, Dimitri was right behind me. He placed a hand on my shoulder, and I froze in front of the door leading out. He didnt touch me anywhere else. He didnt try to pull me closer. But, oh, that one hand on my shoulder held all the power in the world.Rose, he said, and I knew he was no longer smiling. I dont know why youre lying, but I know you wouldnt do it without a good reason. And if theres something wrong something youre afraid to tell the others I spun around rapidly, somehow managing to pivot in place in much(prenominal) a way that his hand never moved yet ended up on my other shoulder.Im not afraid, I cried. I do have my reasons, and believe me, what happened with Stan was nothing. Really. All of this is just something stupid that got blown out of proportion. Dont feel sorry for me or feel like you have to do anything. What happened sucks, but Ill just roll with it and take the black mark. Ill take care of everything. Ill take care of me. It took all of my strength just then not to shake. How had this day gotten so nonconcentric and out of control?Dimitri didnt say anything. He just looked down at me, and the expression on his face was one Id never seen before. I couldnt interpret it. Was he mad? Disapproving? I just couldnt tell. The fingers on my shoulder tightened slightly and then relaxed.You dont have to do this alone, he said at last. He sounded nearly wistful, which made no sense. He was the one whod been telling me for so long that I needed to be strong. I wanted to throw myself into his arms just then, but I knew I couldnt.I couldnt help a smile. You say thatbut tell me the truth. Do you go running to others when you have problems?Thats the not the same Answer the question, comrade.Dont call me that.And dont avoid the question either.No, he said. I try to deal with my problems on my own.I slipped away from his hand. See?But you have a lot of people in your life you can trust, people who care about you. That changes things.I looked at him in surprise. You dont have people who care about you?He frowned, obviously rethinking his words. Well, Ive always had good people in my lifeand there have been people who cared about me. But that doesnt necessarily mean I could trust them or tell them everything.I was often so distracted by the weirdness of our relationship that I rarely thought about Dimitri as someone with a life away from me. He was maintained by everyone on campus. Teachers and students alike knew him as one of the deadliest guardians here. Whenever we ran into guardians from outside the school, they always seemed to know and respect him too. But I couldnt recall ever having seen him in any sort of social setting. He didnt appear to have any close friends among the other guardians just coworkers he liked. The friendliest Id ever seen him get with someone had been when Christians aunt, Tasha Ozera, shoot the breezeed. Theyd known each other for a long time, but even that hadnt been enough for Dimitri to pursue once her visit was over.Dimitri was alone an awful lot, I realized, content to hole up with his cowboy novels when not working. I felt alone a lot, but in truth, I was al most always surrounded by people. With him being my teacher, I tended to view things as one-sided He was the one always giving me something, be it advice or instruction. But I gave him something too, something harder to define a connection with another person.Do you trust me? I asked him.The hesitation was brief. Yes.Then trust me now, and dont worry about me just this once.I stepped away, out of the reach of his arm, and he didnt say anything more or try to stop me. Cutting through the room that Id had the hearing in, I headed for the buildings main exit, tossing the remnants of my hot chocolate in a garbage can as I walked past.